Written by Stan Kuliavas

“ It’s not what you know, it’s who you know”

“ Network, network, network…”

“ Your network is your net worth”

and so on…

How many of you have heard any of the above cliché statements? If so, you’re in good company – I grew up believing every single one of them. Which is why I’d like us to consider: How accurate are these messages?

I genuinely enjoy meeting new people, and am always interested to learn more about what makes someone “tick.” I especially enjoy hearing stories detailing an individual’s unlikely or uncommon path to success. These particularly resonate with me when the anecdotes are based around the worlds of business or sport.

An incredible blueprint for this is Jimmy Butler. Jimmy, now a NBA player with the 76ers, was homeless throughout his childhood; his father abandoned him as an infant and by 13, his mother had kicked him out of their house. Jimmy bounced between the homes of various friends in Houston, staying for a few weeks at a time before moving to another location. It wasn’t until he befriended Jordan Leslie, a freshman football and basketball player at his school, that things changed. The two immediately became friends, and Jordan’s family took Jimmy in.

“They accepted me into their family,” Jimmy later said. “And it wasn’t because of basketball. She [Leslie’s mother] was just very loving. She just did stuff like that. I couldn’t believe it.”

This story is proof that though connections are important, what can really prove special is the meaning behind these relationships. The latter may seem laughable in the harsh world of business; On one hand, we’re told that if you work hard good things will happen, but we’re also told that it’s the people you surround yourself with who will determine what opportunities you have in life. Connections over everything. Climb the ladder, don’t waste time.

While I believe the truth lies somewhere in the middle, the challenge is that we are naturally programmed to be self-serving and look out for #1, so when we meet others, we tend to focus on ways we can personally benefit from those interactions. Relying on this method of thinking all but guarantees that you will have no chance of building the strong network you aspire to. Here’s why.

During a conversation (or even before starting one), if you find yourself having thoughts of “I wonder how this person can help me…” or “I wonder what I can get from this person…” then it’s over. You’re done. You’re short-sighted and fundamentally do not understand the concept of networking.

If you want to be a successful networker, the first (and quite frankly the only) thing you need to do is to focus on how you can help, or offer value to, the other person. Listen not with the intent of speaking, but with the intent of understanding (I first read this in Stephen Covey’s book, “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” and the words have stuck with me). If during a conversation you ask questions, and can provide value by offering introductions that can help them solve a pain point, then you are on the right track.

When you can bring yourself to a selfless state and genuinely look for ways to help others, good things happen. They may not come that day, that week, or even that year. But being kind, generous and considerate will come back to you tenfold in the end. If you’re unsure, consider how you felt the last time someone went out of their way to help you. Chances are you will remember that person’s kindness in the future and would happily do something to help them. That positive feedback is the connectivity which will take you where you wish to go.

The reality is that most people reading this are fixated on instant gratification, and don’t have the patience for the long game. Those who do, however, will be the ones that win in the end. I truly believe that.